


Contemplations

by Jena Bartley (jenab)



Category: JAG
Genre: Episode Tag, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-05
Updated: 2011-02-05
Packaged: 2017-10-15 10:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenab/pseuds/Jena%20Bartley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac reflects on the past year of her life and the men in it.</p><p>Spoilers: Season Three, and Webb of Lies, fourth season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contemplations

How did my life get into such a mess. Major Sarah MacKenzie wondered. She stood staring out her apartment window. Night had fallen, blackness softly covering everything. Lights broke through the darkness, people and cars all going someplace. Mac was oblivious to the beauty of the city at night. Her thoughts were turned inward.

Her fingers itch to wrap themselves around a glass of vodka. Her mouth watered at the thought of that first, fiery sip sliding down her throat. The oblivion from the chaos of her thoughts that alcohol gave her. No! She wouldn’t go down that road again. She had already slipped once in the past year. She wouldn’t slip again. Alcohol did nothing for her screwed up life and it would never help her solve it.

What had gone wrong? Everything had been going so well. She loved her job at JAG. She had a wonderful partner, a commanding officer who she respected and admired. She had good friends. Her life was almost perfect. Maybe that was the problem. Her life was too perfect, especially after her horrible childhood and teens. Maybe she just didn’t deserve what she had. The mess she was trying to cope with only showed her how naive she was to assume that she could have a better life than what she had.

No! That was the girl she used to be, the one who believed that she didn’t deserve happiness. The one who was constantly beaten down by her abusive father, her solace in alcohol, the destructive behaviour of her teen years, her wild marriage to Chris. She was a marine now. A grown woman. She wasn’t that scared little girl anymore, with no self worth. She had made mistakes lately, some bad. Now she was trying to make up for them, to fix the relationships she had damaged, to atone for the consequences of her actions and words. And she would prevail in the end. She would strive to be a better person, a better friend and marine.

But there had been so much death in her life lately. All men she had once be involved in deeply. Dalton, a man she believed that she was deeply in love with. She had even left JAG to work in his firm with him. The most miserable months, away from JAG, her co-workers, her partner, her commanding officer. She honestly thought she loved him. But in those months away from JAG, followed by her return and trying to make amends with the Admiral had shown her that she wasn’t in love with him. At least not as strongly as he was in love with her. So much so that he ended up stalking her after they broke up. Then he had died in her arms. His blood on her hands from another, obsessed stalker. Her lie to him that she would always love him. Why couldn’t she love him the way he loved her? What was wrong with her? He was everything she thought she wanted in a man. He had cherished her, loved her, always made time for her and listened to her. But in the end, it wasn’t enough and she left him. And he had died.

Then there was Chris, her husband from the wild years of her younger self. How could she have done something so stupid as to never file for divorce? The only thing she could think of was that she was very desperate to completely forget her rotten childhood. Chris was such a large part of that life, of her recklessness and constant drinking. It still wasn’t an excuse to never file for divorce. Then he came back into her life, insisting on picking up where they had left off. And what did she do? She forgot how far she had come in the last twelve years. Being with Chris brought back the lost, weak little girl she had been. She forgot her promise to herself that she would never be that girl again, that she would never be a victim again. It didn’t help that he didn’t understand when she told him that it was over between them. The final confrontation between them with her ex lover, John Farrow, will always haunt her deeply. The gun going off, his lifeless body falling to the ground. Now, she was paying for those mistakes in the form of losing the trust and favor of Admiral Chegwidden.

The Admiral. She smiled as she thought about him. One of the few men in her life that was decent, kind and respected her. A man that always pushed her to her limits, demanded the best of her, because he knew it was in her already. Now, she was fighting to rebuild her relationship with him. The other complication was her attraction to him. An extremely sexy man with piercing eyes and an incredible presence that was such a part of him. He drew her to him. She knew that he was also attracted to her as well. But they would never act on it. He was her commanding officer and she already made the mistake of having an affair with a superior officer; regardless of the fact that the transfer out of John Farrow’s command was already processed on paper. She also couldn’t bear the fact that if an affair between her and AJ didn’t work out, she wouldn’t be able to work with him again. And that she wanted to avoid at all costs. He was a hard man to work for at times, but he didn’t demand anything from his people that he wouldn’t demand of himself.

Then there was Harm, her partner, her best friend. Good-looking, charming, the Navy’s pinup boy for its recruitment posters. He was also one of the most upstanding men she had met. He had a code of honor and ethics that he fiercely believe in and practiced. His disappointment and hurt over the mess with her husband still hurt her and shamed her. Yet another relationship she had screwed up. A man she trusted with her life and emotions, someone she could lean on. She loved him deeply but not as a lover. She just didn’t feel that way about him. Although they were still working well together, there was still a rift between them. One she had put there. Like the Admiral, she didn’t want to lose her relationship with Harm. She needed to make amends for what she had done and she wasn’t sure how to begin.

And then there was Bud. Dear, sweet Bud. He had also come from an abusive background but he had turned out better than her. How she envied him and Harriet. Although their lives were quiet at times, there was more contentedness and satisfaction in it then in her own life. Their love was plain for everyone to see. The joy of their soon to be born baby lit their faces. Despite Bud’s concerns and worries, he would make an excellent father. And he was also going to be a damn fine lawyer. She could see the potential in him from the start. As he became more confident of his skills and abilities he was slowly losing some of his nervousness and awkwardness.

These three men had given her nothing but their trust, love and respect. They had shown her that she could have a healthy and deep relationship with a man. They had also restored a part of herself that had forgotten there were such men out there. And she had gone and screwed that up. Now she had to redeem herself and repair the damage she had done. The first step was to take a good long look at herself and figure out why she had screwed up so badly and to try and fix that part of herself. If she didn’t, she would never be able to truly repair the damage she had done to her relationships. And she would never be able to completely have a fulfilling and loving relationship with any future lover, regardless of how long or short it would last.

As this though filled her mind, an image of a man appeared behind it. A man she was slowly becoming attracted to. Clayton Webb. CIA agent. Assistant to the Secretary of State. She could see him clearly in her mind. His green eyes, wavy brown hair combed neatly in place, his body filling out nicely tailored suits. The recent events surrounding him, his fake death, had hit her hard. When she thought he was dead, it made her realize how much she respected him and cared for him. He always had his own agenda when he sent her and Harm on his missions but he also had a code of ethics like Harm. Only it was hidden deeper. Not to mention how his code clashed with his job at times. Lately, she had started to see some of that conflict on his face as he made the decisions he had too. She had told Harm that there was something lovable about Clayton. But that seem so tame a word. He was devious at times but he always came through for them in the end. He was intelligent, charming when he wanted to be and ruthless. And she was starting to fall for him.

But, before she could even think of a relationship with him, she had to straightened out her life first. Mend the relationships that she had damaged. Learn to live with her faults. Learn that it was alright to fall down sometimes. That there wasn’t something fundamentally wrong with her if she slipped from time to time. That failure and learning from it would help her grow, hopefully, into a better person.

As she stood staring out the window, a sense of peace settled within her. Yes, she had made some very bad mistakes lately and she hurt her friends deeply but she would to her hardest to repair that damage. It would just take time and effort. And for the first time in weeks, maybe months, Mac felt that she would be okay. There were still hard times ahead but she knew that she would make it.


End file.
